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My Aunt Betty and Uncle Bruce have been married 62 years. If you ask Betty the secret to such a successful union, she’ll quip, “The key to happiness is low expectations.” Talk about living unoffended!
Betty knows her answer is an amusing response, but she’s only partly joking. She’s not cracking on my uncle (who has been a fantastic husband to her, by the way) but rather on expectations of perfection. As she sees it, young couples go into marriage expecting their spouse to instinctively meet all their needs all the time, and as anyone who’s been married as long as Betty and Bruce can tell you, that’s a recipe for disappointment.
Living Unoffended Means Adjusting Expectations
Human beings have a knack for letting one another down, whether in the marriage relationship or just in casual acquaintance. At times we can be inconsiderate—or, let’s be honest, selfish and petty. When we fail to act like the best version of ourselves, we are quick to make excuses: I’m just tired from a long day or I have a lot on my mind. But when we’re on the receiving end of offense, we’re often just as quick to condemn: What a jerk!
I can’t help but wonder if we might do well to apply my aunt’s wisdom beyond marriage advice. Might we all be a lot happier if we stopped expecting everyone to constantly consider our feelings? And happier still if we offered the biblical response of grace when others offer offense?
An offense can feel like a bomb detonating inside of us—no wonder we describe an easily offended person as having a “short fuse.” Psychologists say that the most quickly offended people are those with the most insecurities. A perceived insult cuts deeply into their already damaged hearts. So when our fuses are short, it’s usually because someone has managed to find our sensitive spot and tap dance all over it. The wounded heart jumps to defend itself, either by putting up shields or counterattacking.
Follow Your Heart? Not Always Good Advice
Our society constantly encourages us to “follow our hearts,” and while this may sound sweet and lovely at first, it’s actually some of the most foolish advice there is. The Bible tells us in Jeremiah 17:9, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked” (NIV), an idea Jesus reiterates in Mark 7:21-22 when He says that “the heart of man” is the source of all kinds of evil.
We are not to be led by emotion like little children, throwing a tantrum when we don’t get our way. We are called to be wise, to be transformed by the renewal of our minds. Why? So that by testing we may determine God’s will. And that will is good and acceptable and perfect. Living unoffended displays that transformation to everyone around us.
What Love Looks Like
Because we are also called to overflow with love for all people (1 Thessalonians 3:12), the heart and the mind must work together. Love is not so much a feeling, but an action, a choice. Paul tells us in the famous “love chapter,” 1 Corinthians 13, exactly what love looks like. The first adjective he uses is “patient” (verse 4). He then adds that love is “not easily angered” (verse 6). These two descriptors of love destroy the idea that we are allowed to have a short fuse. Paul also says love “keeps no record of wrongs” (verse 6), clearly instructing us not to nurse a grudge. Further, love “bears all things” (verse 7). We are to bear with others, even when they are rude and offensive.
Countercultural Living
Wow! How countercultural is that?
Is Paul saying we’re supposed to let people act ugly to us without our retaliating at all?
This idea of living unoffended sounds particularly odd to our modern ears. Our culture values putting people “in their place” and showing how much more clever we are than those who offend us. (It’s the foundation of Twitter/X wars, for crying out loud.) But our impulse to defend ourselves and destroy our adversary is not from God: we are not called to exalt ourselves. Ever. Christ, who washed the disciples’ feet (John 13:1-17), modeled humility for us. If we follow Philippians 2:3, and consider others more important than ourselves, we will be less likely to hit back as our response to offense. It’s a lot more difficult for someone to wound our pride when we aren’t proud.
Listen now to a short segment of this Abide meditation based on Philippians 2:3. Let God speak to your heart about putting others first and how that helps with living unoffended.
Our first instinct may be to defend ourselves from offense, but with prayer, practice, and the gift of the Holy Spirit, living unoffended can become second nature to those who love the Lord.
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